Tonight I learned something about myself. I consider myself to be an optimistic person that has faith in people, and I genuinely think that I am. Yet, tonight I learned something new. I have known it all along somewhere in this stream of subconsciousness, but I never put it all together. Well, here it is.
There are some people in this world in who I will never loose faith in. No matter how many times they disappoint me or fail to live up to my standards, I will still have faith that they can and will learn from their mistakes and right them later on. Yet, I do not give myself that freedom. When I am with people (meaning guys, even guy friends, yes you guy friends if you ever might possibly read this), I give up on me. All that it takes is a couple of odd glances or loaded comments and I am ready to re-format my whole personality. I say to myself, “Well Jen that was only about the goofiest miss placed comment that you ever could make, now keep your silly odd mouth shut and reformat yourself into an attractive (and I never believe that either), demur (ha! Snow ball’s chance in Ahem), sensible (wouldn’t know it if it hit me in the head), person. But the problem is that I am not demur or sensible and because of this I give up on me. I say, “social skills, I just need social skills, (or like Napoleon perhaps I need wicked num chuck skills, or mad dance skills.)” Yet, (there is always another yet) I have dawned upon the stone of truth on which is inscribed, “If you keep faith in so many others who have disappointed you, then why do you give up on yourself? If you have problems that you are willing to work out with others and live with them, then why in Bob’s name do you have a problem living with yourself.” So I dust off my boots and say to the me in the me “Self, you don’t have to hide among the other parts of you that are all stage scenery (fake and alterable). Lay it all on the line; that is how you will discover truth about you and your friends.” So when I want to be serious I will be, and when I want to speak with nothing in mind but what escapes from my soul (even if it is about the most out of touch thing ever) I will. Even if no one laughs, cries, sympathizes, or identifies.
So, yah, that is about all. Ha, I just about apologizes for thinking out loud, but I decided that apologizing would be conflictual with everything that I have dared to admit. So I will instead leave you with a good night till it be morrow.
2 comments:
excellent post. i consider myself a merciful person, but (as my mom always tells me) i have to learn to be merciful to myself too.
it just isn't going so well lately.
AO
Profound stuff. Forgiveness is an interesting concept. I read in a book by your favorite meno theologian Myron Augsburger that to forgive as Jesus does costs the forgiver something. You pay a price when you forgive others. I wonder, does that apply to you when you forgive yourself? I think the price you pay is to give up the right of self-pity, of self-hatred, of self-doubt... all the bad things we do to and think about ourselves. Not such a bad price to pay.
the doctor
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